Happy New Year Everyone! I hope you all had tons of fun ringing in 2015. As for me--I didn't make it to midnight. I was sound asleep as the clock struck 12 and I am not the least bit sad about it. When you have young children under 1--well New Years is just another night. Regardless--I hope you all partied the night away.
I have mixed emotions about 2015. 2014 was such an amazing year for me. It will always be the year that made me a mommy. I don't think there is another year that can top that. 2015 brings me a 1 year old--and that is something that you know I am having a hard time with. Never-the-less, here are a few things that I learned in 2014.
1. I am a baby person
I think people usually fall into the categories of either a baby person, kid person, or no kids person. I am definitely a baby person. I have loved the first year of P's life so much. I treasure the memories of nursing her by the window as it snowed outside and of her sleeping away on my chest as I read a book. Those tiny human moments are the most engrained on my memory. They way she smelled, looked, felt, and sounded. I just love babies. When I think back on the first few months--I don't remember it being exhausting, yet I know that it was. It's that selective amnesia. I think God gives it to us so that we will choose to have more children. We don't remember the bad times--but we cannot forget the good times.
2. My husband is not a baby person
This has been a hard thing for me to accept. While J loves P like a fat kid loves cake--he just doesn't enjoy babies. The crying makes him anxious--well--the unknown of having a new baby makes him anxious. He is an anxious person. He probably wouldn't agree with that analysis, but it is true from an outsider's perspective. He doesn't enjoy those same things about baby-hood that I do. He is a kid person. He loves the toddler age the best. He loves to interact with them and play non-stop. That is the kind of Dad that I saw when I first started dating him. The kind of dad that I wanted for my future children. It is the dad that is and will be to P, and I am grateful for that. So while I know that he doesn't like that baby stage much, he was an amazing support during that time of P's life. AND if we ever have another--I know that he will be as supportive as he can.
3. Being a work from home mom has got to be one of the hardest jobs on the planet
When I started working from home it was always with the idea that I would be able to work from home and raise my children at the same time. Like so many things in life--I had this romantic idea of what it meant to be a work from home mom. I would have time to do everything--cook, clean, watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, work, and make cute hand print crafts with P. I have found that working from home is certainly not how I pictured it. I don't cook unless I am making P an egg for breakfast or myself a sandwich for lunch. I don't clean unless there is some sort of accident. I never have time to watch T.V.--and if I do it is most certainly going to be The Wiggles or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. AND--I have never made a hand print craft, or played in shaving cream or any of the other cute things you see those moms doing on their blogs. If you were a fly on the wall in my house most days you would see me sitting on my couch with my lap top in my lap while P plays on the floor. There is not much time for anything other than the necessities.
4. I am a homebody and I love it
I rarely, if ever, miss going out. I enjoy being at home. I love spending time with J and P. My favorite nights are spent cuddled up in bed watching Dallas on DVD. There is no place I would rather be--except for maybe Hawaii. You may think that I am crazy, but it is just a whole bunch of work to leave the house these days. If P is coming--then by the time you get her to the destination you are ready to turn around and come home. I just haven't figured out how to be one of those parents who just takes their kid everywhere. It's totally my fault that P is not used to going out. She is so scheduled down to the minute that any change has huge ramifications and I am just not going to do that to myself. This is something I vow to work on this year.
5. My capacity for love is endless
Before P was born I worried (secretly) that I wouldn't love her. I know--it's horrible. I think that it is a rational fear though. You hear so much about post-partum depression and how these moms don't feel for their babies right away. I was scared to death that my heart just wouldn't open up for her. I had hope for this child ever since I was told that it may be a struggle for me to have my own children naturally. I had convinced myself that it would never happen. So when I did get pregnant I was so happy--and so terrified that something would go wrong. When P was born it was like a light went on in my life. It is so hard to describe the feeling--but it was like waking up from a deep sleep. I felt as if she was the missing piece of the puzzle. She made me who I wanted to be. I am the best part of myself now that I have her. I now realize that my capacity for love is endless. I will continue to love her more with each new transition of life. Loving something and someone so completely teaches you more about yourself and about life. There is no better feeling in the world.
So, bring it on 2015. Let this be the year that we buy our long awaited forever (at least for now) home. Once we do that I think that we will finally feel that we belong in this area of the state. I am looking forward to P becoming a little girl and all the changes that she will go through. I am elated to be letting go of pumping and welcoming P's first birthday with as few tears as possible. But above all I am looking forward to the memories that this year will bring my family.
Hugs,
Caroline
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