Monday, May 8, 2017

Should We or Shouldn't We?


I feel like I have been writing a lot lately, but this blog is taking so many turns down many different roads. I am struggling a little bit with the blog's identity. Which could stand to reason that I am also struggling with my own as well.

For as long as I can remember life has felt like a blur from one big event to the next. I am always looking forward to the next milestone and the next big thing that life has to offer. Now that I am 30--It seems that those major milestones are fewer and far between. I struggle a bit with my path in life.


Don't get me wrong I love my life. I have a great husband who is an excellent partner in life. I have a beautiful little girl. I have a job--all I can say about that one. I have a small group of friends. I have a larger group of mommy friends. I have a million hobbies and interests. I feel like I am in the best shape I have been in in years. Yet--I still seem to be in the midst of uncertainty.

I think in part it is because of this deadline that I have had in my mind. It always comes back to Baby #2. Ever since P was one I have been obsessed with this struggle. Will we or wont we? Should we or shouldn't we? Can we? What if we can't? Do I really want to do this all over again? Maybe I don't want to do this all over again? I definitely don't want to do this all over again! OMG I really want to do this all over again!


I will admit that it probably consumes me in a slightly unhealthy way. I think about it way too much. I worry about it. I dream about it. I think I might have a problem.

I had made up my mind that 5 years is the cutoff. I do not want my children to be more than 5 years apart in age. Now that P is 3, and really almost 3 and a half, that deadline is drawing dangerously close.


What I used to be able to push in the back of my mind and say--"I'll just think about that later. We have plenty of time to debate it. " We really don't have that luxury of time anymore. To be completely transparent--we still go back and forth on the issue a lot.

If you are new to the blog then you know that my husband is less than convinced that our family needs to grow. I am pretty convinced that it should. We have been that way for the last 3 years. But even I find myself wavering over the last month. I see all of his points and he sees all of mine, but it just comes down to good old fashioned difference in opinion. And I mean all the way to the gut. I just want another, and he just doesn't. Simple as that.


When I think about having to go back to work this time (I stayed home with P for 18 months) I wonder if I will be able to mother that way. But mostly I worry about my P. I love her so completely that I agonize over something that will so indefinitely change our relationship. She has been the center of my universe for so long--how will she react to having to share that universe? Will I be able to love the second as completely as I love her? I think I can, but it is scary.

I am feeling the pressure myself, so I know that J is feeling it doubly and I really, and honestly do feel bad about that. BUT have you ever wanted something so badly that you can't imagine your life without it?


That is how I am. I have pretty much convinced myself that I will never be happy if I CHOOSE not to have another child. If I tried and couldn't get pregnant--I think I could live with that. But not trying--I think that is what I will be thinking about on my death bed. I will be sad that my child grew up alone, and that I never got to experience that bond with a second child.

I often use this blog as a way to process feelings, and that is clearly what is happening right now, so just bear with me. I have a recurring nightmare. It is horrible and I don't really want to type it out because I am afraid that it will come true. It is totally irrational, but I think it has something to do with the whole second baby thing.


Let's just say something horrible and tragic happens to P in this nightmare, and I am left childless at an age where having more children is impossible. The horror is too much to even imagine. the loss unbearable. But that is a mother's fear--that we will lose a child. I can't help but think that this is my mind processing these feelings over having another child. It is totally irrational but it is so real.

Am I the only one? Am I crazy? Someone please tell me that I am not. I swear there are moments when P is being horrible that I think that I wouldn't never do this again, but 2 seconds later I am day dreaming about another little pudgy baby with green eyes and brown curls. Lord help me. Lord help my husband!

Someone help me out and tell me I'm normal!

Caroline

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