Friday, January 9, 2015

The Birthday Blues


I have yet to experience any sort of birthday blues when it comes time to celebrate being another year older. I have always welcomed each coming year of age. That is partially because I am still in my 20s--albeit, late 20s. I am sure number 30 will be slightly different for me. However, at this point I have always felt that I am in the general area that I expected to be in my life by this age. There are a few things that I would still like to do before I am 30--like be in my "forever" home and possibly planning on another child. Never-the-less, I feel at peace with growing older myself. So why do I feel such uneasiness and almost down right depression when it comes to P turning one?

I should be happy right? I should be thrilled to have survived this first year. I find myself dreaming about the day she was born. I'm crazy, right? This can't be normal. Wishing to be in labor again over celebrating having a perfectly healthy, beautiful, energetic 1 year old? I am not sure what it is, and I am not sure how to deal with the emotions that I feel. I am at a loss here. 

I have often felt that I could not control my mood and my emotions even before getting pregnant with P. I definitely have had that feeling, as well, since her birth. The last two weeks, I have been quiet, angry, snappy, and easily frustrated. I find myself watching a video I made for P's party (that I will share with you soon) and sobbing during her naps. 

I guess my point for this post is two fold. I want to know that I am not crazy. Some of you moms out there have experienced this, right? I'm not completely crazy? I just want someone to reaffirm these feelings as normal. Secondly, I want to vent and get it out because I always feel better after writing about my feelings. As someone that is typically very close to the chest with their feelings and emotions. I have no problem expressing them through writing. My audience is my greatest therapist in some ways. 

I am hoping that these feelings will get easier or disappear with each of P's Birthdays. Am I always going to feel this way when it comes to her growing up? It is so funny because J always says, "You have 17 years left with her in our house, plenty of time." In his mind 17 years is a ton of time. The whole time he is saying that I am thinking, "only 17 years." In the grand scheme of life 18 years with your child is not that much. If they live to be 80, then that is only 1/4 of their life. Again this may be irrational, but that is how I think. And I am with her all day every day. I have probably spent a grand total of 3 full days away from the child since she was born, and I would have preferred not to do that as well. I'm sick, right? Here comes that obsessive personality that I have (thanks, Dad). No amount of time with P is ever going to feel like enough to me. I want more. 

Endless snuggles, hugs, and kisses. Plenty of her sleeping on my chest and my shoulder. Hours of times watching the Wiggles on my lap. Countless agonizing hours spoon feeding and bottle feeding. Some parents look at them as the things they can't wait to be done with. They want out of this stage and into the self-sufficient stages of their child's life. Give me your unwanted hours. I will take them all.

How do you deal with the birthday blues and your babies growing up? Does it get easier with each coming year? Am I completely crazy, or only slightly?

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