Tuesday, December 9, 2014

First Steps

While I was attending my brother in law's wedding last Saturday, I received a video in a text message from my cousin. My aunt and cousin came down to watch P while J and I attended the wedding. The video was captioned ," just wait for it." I instantly knew what I was going to see when I watched the video. I knew that it was going to be of P taking her first steps.

Here is a little background for you. P has done the majority of her firsts when I am not around. It is a nasty and devastating (for me) habit that she has. She rolled over and crawled for the first time when I was not there. It is really strange because I am almost always with her. I have this sick tendency to never want to leave her. It is almost as if I am afraid that I am going to miss something big--oh wait, that is because I have.

So when I got the text and saw the caption--I just knew that is what that video would hold. I received the text during the ceremony, but decided not to watch it. I was trying to focus on the vows and the marriage I was witnessing. BUT that phone just seemed to be a brick in my purse. I even told my step son to take my purse away and put in another room. However, people at the wedding were wanting to see pictures of P, so I ended up holding on to it.

After J's best man speech and the first dance was over. I decided that I couldn't take it any longer, and I decided to watch the video. J noticed what I was doing and was watching it too. As soon as I started viewing it I told him, "She's going to walk." He replied, "fall down Piper, don't walk now."

See, that is one of the reasons why I love this man. He gets me. He knew how much it would devastate me that she did it without me. So while everyone else thinks that I am nuts. He understands it, and he validates it.

Then, she did it. She took three wobbly little steps into the arms of my aunt. Three perfect little steps. Three first steps. Three little jabs into my heart. Maybe it was the fact that it was already a pretty emotional day, or the fact that I was about to start my period. Either way--I lost it. I burst into tears right there in the middle of the reception with everyone looking at me like I was crazy. J quickly made me go outside where he comforted me away from prying eyes.

So I feel the need to explain myself and my feelings, and you guys are the lucky--or unlucky outlet.

It was not just that she should have walked into my arms. It was more than that. It was that I couldn't deny her new stage of life anymore. This baby of mine was no longer a baby. She is a toddler. It is amazing, overwhelming, and sad all at the same time. Of the major milestones--this is the last one. I was in denial about it coming. I had convinced myself that she wasn't even close to walking and that it would be after her first birthday. NOPE. Here is my daughter, the toddler.

It goes even deeper than that, and more personal than that. I have held her so close and hastened against time since she was born. There is this constant panic in my mind saying that this may be the only time I do this. I may never experience any of this again. I know that it is crazy to feel that way so soon after having your first child. But it is the truth. I have loved almost every single facet of being P's mommy. The thought that I will never do those tiny baby things again. It's painful. When you experience that type of unconditional love--you want it multiplied.

It is a very real, while maybe completely irrational, inner struggle. See, there is uncertainty on J's part about whether having another child is emotionally and financially responsible. I understand each of his concerns, and I am trying to accept and prepare myself for the finality of our family if that is the case. I cannot help the feelings that I feel, but I try not to bring it up. I do not want one now, and I do not want one next year.So, I have a don't worry about it now opinion. I just do not want that door closed yet. I have started grieving that possibility just in case.

It is for that reason that I get so upset with P's milestones. I am grieving that they may be the only first steps I could have witnessed and I didn't get to see them. I didn't get to pick her up and twirl her around and shower her with praise and kisses. That moment is gone forever, and I may never get another chance. I know that if I had another one--there is chance that I would miss those first steps too. It's irrational, but two chances are better than one, right? Anywho, thanks for sharing in me with my craziness and allowing me to vent. it really has made me feel a whole lot better.

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