How I deal with Tantrums

First let me preface this by saying that I love being a mother. I really do. It is what I love most in this world. I thank god every day that I was blessed with my daughter...

BUT....That tiny little three-nager has moments that make me question why anyone would ever want to do this thing called motherhood.

P started throwing tantrums at 18 months of age. This correlated with starting baby school which made me feel doubly guilty as a new working mom. However, over the last two years I have figured out some ways to help shorten the length of her tantrums and lengthen the amount of time between tantrums.

I, by all means, am not a psychologist and I am not an expert. I am just a Mom who has one too many times given the knowing nod to a fellow Mom who was tussling with her toddler in the aisles of Publix. I have many times offered a nice comment like, "I've been there girl. Hang in there." I believe that these types of interactions are powerful between moms. I appreciate when I get these types of affirmations myself, so I love to pay it forward.

Let's just get that all out of the way here. You are doing a fantastic job! Don't let your toddler's tantrum define you. It is not your fault. It is just a symptom of the age. It's developmental. Don't listen to those other bloggers and "friends" of yours who claim that their two year old never acts the way that your child does. They are full of it....BIG TIME!

Now on to what I have found that works for my little tantrum thrower!

1. Pick your battles
OMG I hate that I am using this overused phrase, but it is just that true. You have to learn to pick your battles with these little monsters. I would venture to say that I am displeased with 75% of P's behaviors during a day. But if I corrected each and every thing that she did that I didn't like, then that would be my only interaction with her every day. AND it will most certainly end in a frustrated toddler who is primed for a throw down.

Instead I try to focus on a few behaviors each day, and rotate through them. I still hit them all each week. I just focus on one at a time. Yesterday it was the fact that she was refusing to take naps during the day, whining, and nose picking. Today I will pick something else like noise level or paying attention to me when I talk.

Part of the issue is that I spend so little time with her during the week that I really have to be careful about the negativity. Which brings me to number 2.

2. Use positive behavior reinforcement
After a few tantrums we start to figure out what is likely to send our little angel over the edge. The trick is to avoid, avoid, avoid like the plague if you can. BUT there are some things that simply cannot be avoided.

 For the longest time my daughter would throw a tantrum over her clothes in the morning. I had bought all of these really cute shirts and ruffled pants and she HATED them. Every time I tried to put her in the clothes she would throw a tantrum, and we would all end up late to work/school. She has to get dressed, but she doesn't have to wear those clothes. I had to let it go for both of our sanity. However, we occasionally still disagree on what she should wear.

So I figured out that a lot of her friends were wearing skirts with their uniform tops to school and that P wanted to look like them. This is why she was pitching a fit over pants for awhile. So we chit chatted and I told her that if she could get dressed every morning without throwing a fit for four days, then I would let her pick out a dress to wear to school on Friday. On Friday, they get to wear what they want anyway, so I was really giving up nothing, and P felt like she was gaining something. Everyday that she got dressed without crying or whining--I gave her loads of high fives, kisses, and verbal praise. It really works for my kid. All she really wants is for me to be proud of her.

3. Provide choices
Another area that has the tendency to set P off is food. There are certain things she likes and the list is VERY short! Her doctor wants me to be a little stricter on her in this department, by sending her to bed without dinner if she refuses what we are having, but in my house that has never been productive for me. What we end up with is a 3 hour tantrum and a child too wound up to go to sleep. So I had to improvise.

Since J and I normally like to eat dinner a little later (especially now that soccer is in season) P was needing to eat earlier anyway. I started offering her choices for dinner. Since she pretty much won't eat any of the meals that I make--it is not a big deal to me at this point. I let her pick between two options. If she won't choose, then I just make her what I want, and put it in front of her. If she eats it, then fine, and if not, then I don't really stress too much. I have learned that she will not starve. If she is hungry, then she will catch up somewhere. For the most part she will make a choice, and eat what she chose with a smile.

4. Don't be above bribery
I know, I know, all you perfect moms out there are gasping in horror that I am suggesting that bribery is a good parenting tactic. Well, you can all kiss it, because this is the tool that works best for my child. AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!!!

While, I don't want to have to continue to bribe her her whole life--I do think that when used sparingly it is very effective. P's doctor claims that you cannot reason with a child under 5 years old. I firmly disagree with this notion. My daughter is able to asses consequences and rewards of different options and has been able to for a year. If your child cannot yet, then I do not suggest trying to use this method.

My daughter loves stuffed animals, candy, Peppa Pig, Mickey Mouse, Disney Princesses, movies, Disney World, the park, and any kind of trip. She would rather be out and about than at home. I have noticed that if I keep her in all day everyday she will have a meltdown after a few days. She needs to get out even if it is just to run an errand or go to the playground. Since she loves these things--they hold power with her. I have been known to hang a playground trip over her head to get her to take an afternoon nap on the weekends. She will go to sleep without problem. EVERY. TIME. I'm just saying. Find what your child loves, and reward them with it.

5. Validate your child's feelings
Ultimately they are tiny humans with big people emotions. They cannot fully communicate to you the momentous feelings that they are experiencing. They  just don't have the vocabulary yet. Therefore, I find that helping my daughter communicate her frustrations can stop a tantrum that is brewing.

When P is getting upset she will clam up and stop talking. She will revert back to 18 month old P, who just pointed and grunted when she wanted something. I HATE THIS! It drives me nuts. But instructing her in that moment not to whine and "use her words" will almost certainly end in a full on floor slapping, leg twitching tantrum. Don't do it! You can address it later. I promise your child will remember.

Instead I give her the words that she lacks. It sounds like something straight out of a therapist's mouth, but I swear that it works so well for her. Here is how it goes most of the time.

P--Grunts and points in direction of lollipop that I have just said she could not have until after she has eaten her sandwich.
Me--"I understand that you're getting frustrated and angry at me because I told you that you could not have the lollipop. I am not saying that you cannot have it later. I am not trying to make you angry. I just want you to take a few more bites of your lunch. Can you do that for me? Then you can have your lollipop."
P--Whines and then shakes her head yes and picks up sandwich.

Once she completes her end of the deal--I reward her with the lollipop. Later that night I will talk to her about using her words and not pointing when she wants something. When she is calm and in a better mood.

I hope these tips make sense to you, and that you have success with your toddler tornado.

I am also interested in knowing what works for you? I would love to try it out as well.

Caroline

Raising A Princess in Social Media World

"Mommy, I don't want to be smart, I just want to be pretty." -P

When I found out at my 20 week ultrasound that my baby was going to be a girl I was elated. I had secretly been hoping and wishing that I would have a girl. I'm not really sure why, but that is just what I wanted. When it came to fruition--I gasped in delight. Truly, I would have loved a baby boy just as much, but was hoping for a girl. My little P is everything that I had ever dreamed that she would be, and many more things that I didn't even know that I wanted. She truly is everything!

When I was a little girl, I used to dream about my adult life. AND nothing is like what I thought it would be...Except for my daughter. She is exactly the child that I had always pictured. A green eyed, brunette, with wavy hair. She is quite literally my dream girl. I fall more in love with her each and every day.

Over the past month I have started to think about the values and beliefs that I want to convey to my daughter through her childhood. I make a mental note each time she does something that scares me. For example: look both ways before you cross the street, say SHE instead of Her when referring to a friend, don't pick your nose in public (or at all), don't eat your boogers in public. Those are mostly little things. BUT I stress over dropping the ball. I am constantly worried that one of these little golden rules that I managed to grab in my childhood will be lost in hers. Then I wondered, why do I feel this way?

I truly think it is because of many factors, but mostly because of social media and the media in general. Everywhere you turn girls are confronted with social media posts that send them conflicting images of what a woman should be. That wasn't as prevalent when I was young. I am worried that the messages I am trying to send my daughter will get lost in a sea of information on social media.

This feeling started about a month ago on the way home from school one day. I was making chit chat with P on the way home. She had been struggling with tracing her letters at school and I was trying to reassure her. I mentioned that tracing would make her smart. She responded matter-of-factly, "Mommy, I don't want to be smart, I just want to be pretty."

My heart broke into a million pieces for my perfect baby girl who is so so beautiful. I knew that this wasn't something that she was getting from me. It is something that she has taken in from those around her, and from the images she has seen on TV and Movies. That is not what I want my daughter to believe--that you have to be beautiful to succeed.

While I tried to reassure her that she is beautiful and that there are more important things in life than being pretty. She kept repeating the same mantra over and over. I mean--Am I over reacting? I don't think so!

So I have really focused on giving her daily affirmations. I comment on the way she looks, but I make a conscious effort to comment when she does something intelligent. I point out when Belle on Beauty and Beast talks about loving to read. "See Piper, Belle is very smart. She loves to read."

I wasn't sure if it was actually working though. I just want so badly for her to be the strong willed little girl that I know her to be. AND I know that she is. I am terribly afraid that she will be send signals that she needs to cater to those around her, and that she shouldn't speak up for herself and what she feels is right out of fear that it might,"cause a scene."

Then last Friday night I got the sign that my affirmations and talks were having an effect. We went to P's Spring Fling at her school. We were waiting in line for the jumpy slide and a woman tapped me on the shoulder.

She said, "I just wanted to let you know that you are raising one tough girl." I asked her what she had witnessed. She said that she walked into school to pick up her child and had witnessed another child push her child all the way to the ground and then head on a rampage over to my child.

As he started to push Piper down--she shoved him right back exclaiming, "don't you push me down! That's not nice!" She then preceded to tell him to apologize to her and the other little girl that he pushed.

I had to hold back the ugly tears from escaping my eyes, because I was so proud of her. I was always the type of child (and adult now) that let's people walk all over me and bully me because I am afraid to hurt anyone else's feelings. NEVERMIND that they had hurt mine! My daughter stood up for herself and her friend. That is exactly the type of woman that I want her to grow up to be.

I hope that it continues to blossom as she grows and that she doesn't loose that quality.

For those of you with girls, how do you plan to try to combat these messages with your daughters?

Until Friday!
Caroline

Tyme Iron Tutorial and Review

This is the first beauty tutorial I have done on the blog. I am so excited to make this a weekly thing! Disclaimer--I have not been compensated by the Tyme people. All opinions are my own completely!

So let's talk about the Tyme iron. It has been all over Facebook. It was haunting me daily. So I put it on my Christmas list last year, and I got it! It took me a good 3 practicing sessions before I had it down, but now it is the only hair product I ever use on myself. No more curling irons, and no more straightening irons. I just use the Tyme iron and I am set for both waves and straight! How cool is that?

If you are interested in getting a Tyme iron. You can purchase one here.

Here's the thing--we as humans to do not have a long attention span--so a product, no matter how great, that has a learning curve often gets shoved in the back of our cabinets in the bathroom and forgotten! That is why I wanted to do a video tutorial and post here about my experience with the Tyme iron. View my tutorial below if you already have the iron--or if you're just curious, or thinking about purchasing.

And now for my review!

1. Price
The Tyme iron is $189. That is a little bit pricey, but as someone who has bought Chi irons for years, it really is not that much more.  Many curling wand systems are in the same price point. I guess when you consider that the iron is supposed to take the position of both a straightening iron and a curling iron, then it would warrant that higher price. BUT I will admit that I used my Chi iron to curl my hair too, and the results were not much different.

2. Packaging and Quality
the Tyme iron comes in really sturdy and nice packaging. It arrived unharmed and in a timely manner. I have been using this iron consistently for over a year, and it still works just like it did the first day. It is well made.

3. Performance
The Tyme iron makes beautiful smooth curls and can straighten just as good as any other straightening iron I have ever used (and I have curly hair so I have used a lot). It has sucessfully replaced my other irons completely.

My one issue is that you cannot control the heat setting on the iron. It comes in one setting (F******* HOT). So if you are one who worries about heat damage--this might not be the iron for you.

4. Overall
Overall I love this iron. I use it weekly and I even use it on clients. While it does take time to learn how to use, I do think that it has superior performance.

Do you have a Tyme iron? If you don't, then maybe you will consider investing the next time you are in the market for a new tool.

Till Wednesday!
Caroline

Words for My Daughter

Over the last few months I have been slowly piecing together ideas for Piper's new "Big Girl" room in my mind. For the last year she has been sleeping in a toddler bed, but I am well aware that she is ready to graduate to a "forever bed." As silly as that sounds. We are preparing to get her room ready and appropriate for a young lady. Something that will be appropriate for a little girl, but that can grow with her into her teenage years. I can't believe that I just typed those words.

I have picked out some furniture in my mind, and the paint color I want to use. It will be elegant and sophisticated, yet appropriate for this beautiful Princess that it will hold.

During this process I have become obsessed with wood framed art pieces. I know that I want a pretty large piece to go over her new bed. But I couldn't find the right phrase to put on it. I wanted something that would again grow with her into young adulthood.

While scouring Pinterest, I had a hunch to search for quotes from one of my favorite authors, F. Scott Fitzgerald. Anyone that has read The Great Gatsby knows that his work is very romantic and whimsical, yet thought provoking and quite sad at times. While reading through the multitudes of famous quotes from his work, I came across this portion from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and I just stopped searching further. As I read it, my eyes welled up with tears. I knew that this was exactly the wish that I had for my daughter's life each day.

These words truly express the type of individual that I want to raise. One that is strong, kind, friendly, caring, and intelligent enough to be true to herself first and foremost. They will be the words that will hang over her sweet head each night as she sleeps. I pray that they will stay inspirational and relevant to her all of her life.

I wanted to take the time to share them with all of you, because this is also the wish that I have for all of my friends and family. May these words ring as true to you as they have for me.

Happy Hump Day,

Caroline

Where Are You Summer?

Life has been so stinkin' crazy around here. I mean, let me be honest, I have been a big slacker in the blogging department lately. It's mostly due to the fact that our lives are so chaotic in the winter months that I feel like I barely have enough time to do my jobs (educator, wife, and mom) much less tell you all about how I am flailing daily. AND I do mean FAILING too. I can't wait for summer to come so that I can have time to relax and catch up on some good quality family time.

My life in January becomes an endless cycle of dropped balls. Add in my husband's soccer, my experience coaching Mock Trial this year, P's two new activities each week, and my mom's recent hip replacement surgery, and I'm just reeling from the stress. There is never enough time to do anything, and yet, when I get time all I want to do is lay like a vegetable on the couch and watch The Bachelor or something equally ridiculous. Please tell me that I am not the only one...Anyone?

Since Piper's Birthday time has just flown by. She is such an amazing little ball of energy. I fall more in love with her each and every day. I am loving how vocal she is lately. She will often compliment me on my outfit or tell me that my hair is pretty. One of her new favorite names for me is sweetie. I'm not sure where that comes from. She is so full of love, and spunk all at the same time.

Her Birthday party was spectacular. It was my best creation yet. Here are some pics of the things I created for it. This is by far my favorite thing to do all year! It is a labor of love, and one way that I choose to show my love to my daughter. I hope she looks back on these pictures one day and is proud of the work that I did for her.

My mom recently had hip replacement surgery, and while I went down for the weekend, I really wasn't of much help. My dad took fabulous care of her, but I won't lie. It is a scary thing to have a parent that is ill. It is a reminder of the fragility of life. One that makes me have nightmares at night.

Photo taken by P herself!

I turned 30 last week, and I didn't meet it with much kindness. I wasn't looking forward to it. We went out to dinner as a family of 3. It was nice and quaint, and just how it should be. I am going to Vegas this summer for my 30th with my besties from High School to celebrate. I cannot wait. Confronting the idea of getting older is something that is new to me, and it is something that brings a ton of fear into my mind. I am not quite where I thought I would be by 30. BUT I am so incredibly lucky to have the life that I lead each day.

I constantly struggle with the what's next in my life. So much of growing up is about getting through these milestone in life. You are always looking forward to what is next. Always thinking, "What do I have to do to get to this next point." Now in my 30s--I am struggling with what is next in my life. I have a career, and a family--So what is next for me. It's the uncertainty that I don't like.

So until then I just pour myself into this little piece of perfection that I created. I try to focus on providing new and great experiences for P. Ballet and Gymnastics. Playdates with friends. Trips to Disney World. Maybe, possibly, hopefully a sibling to grow up with. Teaching manners, and good habits. Trying to curb the temper and hard-headedness that is already grasping her three year old self. Molding, shaping, hoping, and praying that the decisions I make and will make are best for her. I guess that is what is next for me. Still I know, no matter what, that it will never be enough, yet it will also never be too much.

What do you think?

Cheers!
Caroline

Happy 3rd Birthday P

1/13/17

Dear Piper,

I cannot believe that once again it is time for me to write my annual birthday letter. What an amazing year we have had with you! I definitely have an air of sadness as this year with you comes to an end, yet I am definitely looking forward to all that you will do in your next year of life.

In your third year of life you gave up your paci, crib, and diapers. You learned to do a forward roll and to twirl like a ballerina. You started Gymnastics. You fell deeper in love with music and movies. You went from being able to talk fairly well--to being a professional chatterbox. You love more, and cry less. You showed fear, and bravery. You made friends, and you overcame strife. It was a big year for you baby girl!

You started off the year with a lot of sickness. You missed 10 days of school last spring semester. We are learning that you have a tendency toward ear infections, strep, and even had a bought of Hand, Foot, and Mouth. Yet for the most part you are a pretty pleasant patient. You actually love going to the doctor. You are a willing participant in the check up process. You watch the doctor in awe. It's not really that surprising because you love to play doctor at home as well. Who knows, maybe one day you will decide to be one!

You weigh 36 pounds and are 39 inches tall. That means that you have gained 6 pounds this year, and grown 5 inches! That is a whole lot of growing going on for you. You still tower over most of your class at school, and get mistaken for a 4 year old quite easily, but you are just your perfect version of Piper that I love oh-so-much.

I'm not really sure how you gained that much weight because you don't really eat much. You are the pickiest child that I have ever encountered. It is one of my biggest struggles with you. Your daily diet usually consists of at least one peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You love all the things I wish you wouldn't--like chocolate, chips, and juice. You are starting to eat chicken nuggets again after a long battle with them. You will sometimes eat mac and cheese, but sometimes not. All I can do is continue to push you to try new things. You are just so stubborn and opinionated, but I can't complain. You are so much like your parents.

This past year you have really blossomed into your friendships. You are definitely still learning how to be a good friend. Sharing is sometimes a struggle, and you and your friends do bicker like sisters at times. Your two bestest friends in the whole wide world are Rylee and Hadley. You have known them for longer than a year, but the three of you are now a package deal. You also have good play dates with your friend, Grayson. You two love going swimming and to Catch Air together. Whenever I ask you who you love the most--90% of the time your response is Rylee or Hadley. Occasionally, I might get you to say Mommy or Daddy, but it is far more rare lately. Seeing you interact and make friends puts a big smile on my face because relationships with other women has always been a struggle for me. I am hoping that it will be different for you. I wish that for you with all of my heart.

Your favorites list has gotten so much longer this past year. You love to play, but your second favorite thing to do is learn. You love practicing your letters and numbers. You recognize them all around you. When you spot the letter P--you yell, "Look P! P for me!" You are just so smart. By far your favorite toy is stuffed animals. You sleep with so many that there is hardly enough room for you in the bed. At night, we check on you before we go to bed. It is common for us to have to shift animals in your bed to find you sleeping underneath. They comfort you, and we are okay with that. You even demand to take an animal to school with you each day.

We have traveled so much with you in the last year.  You have made two trips to Disney World over the past year. You also went to Virginia as well. You love going on "cation." On our long trips you developed a love for Disney movies. Your favorites are Frozen, The Little Mermaid, and 101 Dalmatians. You will watch them over and over. You have also fallen in love with TV shows in general. Your favorites are Peppa Pig (the theme of your birthday this year), Goldie and Bear, My Friends Tigger and Pooh, and Sofia the First. Every night before bed you watch an episode and then go to bed willingly. You are such a big girl!

Speaking of sleep--in the last 7 months you have really become a great sleeper. There are some times that you wont nap at school, but for the most part you love your sleep.

Overall I am once again amazed with how much you have grown and changed over the last year. Your daddy and I consider ourselves so lucky to be your parents. You make us laugh uncontrollably with your silly antics. You make us mad with your unparalleled tantrums. You make us cry when you are sad or scared. But most of all you make us so proud that we get to call you ours.

As you grow I hope that you always know how supremely unique you are. You are many things; Beautiful, vivacious, painfully shy and yet boisterous at times, intelligent, caring, sweet, loving, but most of all you are brave. I have observed you face challenges over and over again, and go through them with grace even when I knew you were anxious. That is the true meaning of bravery. I hope you always face life that way.

So happy birthday to my girl! I don't know how I could possibly love you more, but I am sure over the next year you will show me the way. You are my happy place, and my legacy. I can't wait to see all that we will teach each other next. Thank you, my darling, for this very extraordinary life.

Love,
Mommy

Birthday Blues

Every year around this time the same thing happens. December rolls around and brings with it so much excitement in our lives. P, J and I love Christmas and Hanukkah. I look forward to watching my girl open all of her gifts. I agonize over what to get her. I use the entire break from work to plan her birthday party in January, and that is when it hits me. Every. Single. Year. Just like the weight of an elephant sitting on my chest. My daughter is another year older.

It shouldn't make me sad. It is irrational in every way, yet every year it is the same process of grief. Watching back old videos of my squishy baby as she learned to sit up, crawl, and the walk. Looking at the pictures on Facebook from the day she way born, and the pictures I took each month to mark her growth. What I used to celebrate--I now mourn. Maybe I am just that sentimental. Maybe it is just me, but I have a feeling that I am not the only one.

It stems from many different issues within myself. The sadness and guilt that I feel for all of the time I have missed with her over the last year because I was working each day. Add the guilt I feel for the exhaustion that I greet her with each afternoon when she is just so excited to see me. I die a little bit inside if I let myself think about it. I know that she has grown into this brilliant, beautiful, and independent girl because of her school, but part of me will always feel guilty for sending her. I would make that choice a million times over. It was the right one for her and for our family, but I know that I miss a lot.

Then there is the other BIG issue in my life. That big question that I get asked at least twice a week. Will this be the last 3rd birthday I have to plan, or will there be another child? We go back and forth and by WE--I really mean J. While I have moments--mostly when P is being a typically Todzilla--where I think 1 is enough, but I always snap back to reality. I cannot imagine not doing it all over again. And if I really let myself think about it, it's devastating. If for some reason I couldn't have another, then I would be more than thankful for the one I have, but the idea of choosing to cheat myself out of this wonderful experience--that is a whole other animal.

I am fairly certain that most of my birthday blues stems from this last issue more than the first. As P gets older the finality of our family becomes more probable to me. The further J is away from the diapers and the midnight feedings--the less he is willing to entertain the conversation. The result is me sitting in the guest room sniffing old baby clothes with tears streaming down my cheeks.

I'm not saying any of this to bash my husband--I totally understand and can validate all of his feelings. I get it, and I even agree on some of his points. But this feeling is not a rational feeling. It is a hormonal, and maybe even primal urge. Chalk it up to evolution, nature--whatever. I cannot control myself.

Last weekend, Piper's friend Annabelle turned 3 and we went to her party. Annabelle recently got a new baby sister. I finally got to hold the baby at the end of the party, and it definitely made it worse. She smelled so amazing. She had that baby smell--you know what I mean? It's that sweet smell that is contained to their heads. I just kept sniffing her. Creepy-I know. The next day, Piper asked where her Ailey and Hampton (her other friend's baby brother) were? At first I just thought she meant where the actual babies were, but after talking with her I realized she was asking me where her baby sibling was. I told her that she didn't have a baby brother or sister, and then asked her if she wanted one. She said she did (sometimes she says she doesn't want one). I told J I had to go to the bathroom, but I really went and cried.

P is more than what I dreamed she would be, and I love her so completely that the next 15 year with her living under our roof will never be enough for me. She will have to have a room for me in her apartment at college--because I am moving in. When her birthday comes I will smile and celebrate with the whole family and all of her friends, but as I put her to bed that night I am sure that I will shed a few tears. I don't ever want this time in my life to end.

Happy Hump Day!
Caroline