First Steps

While I was attending my brother in law's wedding last Saturday, I received a video in a text message from my cousin. My aunt and cousin came down to watch P while J and I attended the wedding. The video was captioned ," just wait for it." I instantly knew what I was going to see when I watched the video. I knew that it was going to be of P taking her first steps.

Here is a little background for you. P has done the majority of her firsts when I am not around. It is a nasty and devastating (for me) habit that she has. She rolled over and crawled for the first time when I was not there. It is really strange because I am almost always with her. I have this sick tendency to never want to leave her. It is almost as if I am afraid that I am going to miss something big--oh wait, that is because I have.

So when I got the text and saw the caption--I just knew that is what that video would hold. I received the text during the ceremony, but decided not to watch it. I was trying to focus on the vows and the marriage I was witnessing. BUT that phone just seemed to be a brick in my purse. I even told my step son to take my purse away and put in another room. However, people at the wedding were wanting to see pictures of P, so I ended up holding on to it.

After J's best man speech and the first dance was over. I decided that I couldn't take it any longer, and I decided to watch the video. J noticed what I was doing and was watching it too. As soon as I started viewing it I told him, "She's going to walk." He replied, "fall down Piper, don't walk now."

See, that is one of the reasons why I love this man. He gets me. He knew how much it would devastate me that she did it without me. So while everyone else thinks that I am nuts. He understands it, and he validates it.

Then, she did it. She took three wobbly little steps into the arms of my aunt. Three perfect little steps. Three first steps. Three little jabs into my heart. Maybe it was the fact that it was already a pretty emotional day, or the fact that I was about to start my period. Either way--I lost it. I burst into tears right there in the middle of the reception with everyone looking at me like I was crazy. J quickly made me go outside where he comforted me away from prying eyes.

So I feel the need to explain myself and my feelings, and you guys are the lucky--or unlucky outlet.

It was not just that she should have walked into my arms. It was more than that. It was that I couldn't deny her new stage of life anymore. This baby of mine was no longer a baby. She is a toddler. It is amazing, overwhelming, and sad all at the same time. Of the major milestones--this is the last one. I was in denial about it coming. I had convinced myself that she wasn't even close to walking and that it would be after her first birthday. NOPE. Here is my daughter, the toddler.

It goes even deeper than that, and more personal than that. I have held her so close and hastened against time since she was born. There is this constant panic in my mind saying that this may be the only time I do this. I may never experience any of this again. I know that it is crazy to feel that way so soon after having your first child. But it is the truth. I have loved almost every single facet of being P's mommy. The thought that I will never do those tiny baby things again. It's painful. When you experience that type of unconditional love--you want it multiplied.

It is a very real, while maybe completely irrational, inner struggle. See, there is uncertainty on J's part about whether having another child is emotionally and financially responsible. I understand each of his concerns, and I am trying to accept and prepare myself for the finality of our family if that is the case. I cannot help the feelings that I feel, but I try not to bring it up. I do not want one now, and I do not want one next year.So, I have a don't worry about it now opinion. I just do not want that door closed yet. I have started grieving that possibility just in case.

It is for that reason that I get so upset with P's milestones. I am grieving that they may be the only first steps I could have witnessed and I didn't get to see them. I didn't get to pick her up and twirl her around and shower her with praise and kisses. That moment is gone forever, and I may never get another chance. I know that if I had another one--there is chance that I would miss those first steps too. It's irrational, but two chances are better than one, right? Anywho, thanks for sharing in me with my craziness and allowing me to vent. it really has made me feel a whole lot better.

New Beginnings

First of all, I would like to apologize for my absence. I was deathly sick over thanksgiving and then crazy busy last week due to work and my brother in laws wedding. I am back and ready to share with you all again. Yippee

This weekend was a whirlwind. We celebrated the marriage of my brother and new sister in law in Perry, Georgia on Saturday. It was a beautiful wedding for sure. I am excited to have a new sister, and am hopeful that they will give P some cousins to grow up with (hint, hint).

Weddings tap into my sentimental side. I don't think any married person can sit at a wedding and not think about their own special day. I spent a lot of time thinking about my wedding day. It was fun to relive the moments, to understand the stress that the Bride and Groom were feeling, and to be so glad to not be in their shoes! It also made me think about myself as a wife. When I heard their vows--I tried to think about whether or not I do a good job of those things. Am I unselfish? Do I put my husband's needs above my own? Do I cherish him? Do I support him?

So I started thinking about the 5 biggest lessons that I have learned in my two years of marriage. All of these things are things that I am still struggling with in some way.

Communication is the best strength in your marriage and the root of every problem in your marriage all at the same time.

I always feel more connected to J when we are having a really great intellectual conversation. BUT conversations are not necessarily communication. In our pre-marital counseling this is something that our counselor really stressed to us. You need good, direct communication to avoid conflict as much as possible. It can be as simple as saying (in a nice but direct tone), "I need you to do _____." or "I feel __________ when you do ____________." It seems so simple, but at times it is so hard. But I do believe that it causes more problems when you do not have those types of conversations when something is bothering you.

There is a fine line between selfishness and selflessness

I totally believe that you need to meet your partner's needs and that you need to put their needs ahead of your own at times. However, I also believe that it is totally possible to lose yourself in the process. I often worry that this is happening with J. He takes such good care of me and P that I worry that he is not getting what he needs from me.

Learn to apologize and to accept apologies

I am still really bad at this one. I have been known to be the last to apologize and to also hold on to anger from resolved issues. Even if I said that I am over it--I still dwell on it for awhile. I am a silent punisher at times. I will admit that I sometimes bring up things from months before. It's never healthy to look back and bring these issues to the present. This is a real struggle in my case.

Always have your spouse's back

I am not going to say that I have never said anything negative about J to a friend when I was mad or upset. However, there is a definite difference in talking to a friend for perspective and bashing your spouse.I feel like this happens a lot and it can be really hurtful to your relationship. I see it a lot within families. The husband will tell his family that he wants to do something that his family wants him to do but his wife doesn't want to. Maybe they are trying to pawn the blame off thinking that their family will be less likely to say anything to their spouse. To me that is really hurtful. You should be a united front even when you don't feel that way. Your spouse should, at least, feel that you will back them up with anyone outside of your relationship.

You have to fight fair

It's going to happen. You are going to disagree. Things are going to get heated sometimes, but it doesn't have to become a big blow out. I have heard of couples not talking to each other for days and weeks after an argument. That is just crazy to me. I believe that there are certain things that should be off limits in a fight. For example-- my biggest one is bringing up the D word. While you might be able to forgive or be forgiven for things you said--it is really hard to forget the hurt the words caused.

What are some of the things that you have learned in your marriage? What advice do you give the newlyweds in your life?

What do I do when I'm sick?

This week has been really rough for me. I was so looking forward to this thanksgiving break because J and I were going to have a whole week to hang out with Piper. We were going to decorate for Christmas and Hanukkah. So many plans. THEN... I got sick.

Now ordinarily I get sick every year around this time--BUT this time I am SICK. All caps intended! I have a bilateral ear infection and strep throat. I haven't been able to sleep because of the seering ear and throat pain. The thought of eating--and the actual act of eating has brought me to tears. It is rough.

To top it all off--I was not aloud to hold my baby for 48 hours while I took antibiotics. It was so hard to let go of the reigns and let my husband do everything. I know that he is a great dad, but it made my heart hurt to have to refuse to pick her up when she crawled to me. Did I mention that J also had a pretty nasty cold.

So what do you do when you are sick, your partner is sick, or you both are sick? How do you care for your little one when you feel like actually pulling a Van Gough with your own ear? How do you keep your little one from catching it? Here is what we did?

1. Assess the situation and decide which one of you is the lesser of two evils (if you are both sick).
 In our situation, I was obviously more sick and it was more dangerous for P to get strep than a cold. The person who is less sick becomes the primary caregiver. They will be in charge of everything for the 48 hours that the other parent is quarantined.

2. Buy those hospital ear loop masks from the grocery store and wear them whenever you are in the same room with your baby.
 I made J wear his all the time that he was with P. I also had one on whenever I was in the room with her.

3. If you are the most sick, then don't physically touch your baby until you are no longer contagious. If you can help it. If you are the only one there and your significant other is at work, then obviously to have to do it all. I would suggest wearing the mask and limiting contact as much as possible.

4. Wash your hands, wash your hands, and over wash your hands.
J was really good about this one. He washed his hands constantly and used hand sanitizer before he touched P.

5. Try not to touch your face, nose, or mouth.
If you do, then wash your hands immediately. Be ultra aware of what you are touching at all times

6. Try not to allow your baby to touch your face, nose, or mouth
I know that sometimes this is avoidable, but it really is important

7. Take a shower every day to get rid of the germs
It just goes without saying that you want to take a hot shower to get rid of anything lingering on your body so that your baby is not exposed to it.

8. Wash all bed linens after you are no longer contagious

9. Even after 48 hours is up and you are no longer contagious.
 Keep your contact with baby frequent if possible. No kisses. Don't let them touch your face, and don't touch their hands or face.

It is so hard too navigate with you are feeling so bad. You yearn to snuggle with your little baby that you love so much. While at the same time you do not want to get them sick. I hope these tips that we used help you navigate this difficult season where flu and strep are common.

On This Day...

On this day two years ago I married my best friend. Since that day we have gone through a whole bunch of change. I hardly recognize the girl that I used to be and barely remember those first months of wedded bliss. Regardless, there is no one else I would trust with my future. J does a great job of taking care of me and P. For that reason, and many more, I can say that I am more in love with him today than I was 2 years ago. Since I have never really told our story, I figured I would delve into that today on our anniversary.

I met J in March of 2009 as I was visiting the high school that I would be working at the following school year. I was observing many of the teachers that day and eating lunch with the department. I will never forget the first words that my future husband would speak to me. J is a very funny/sarcastic guy. He always seems to be the loudest and, at times, rudest guy in the room. People (including me) are attracted to his crazy personality. When he entered the work room for lunch that day he sat right next to me and introduced himself. He then said, "I've got a really important question for you. It's really been bothering me. Can girls poop and pee at the same time?" Needless to say I was horrified and quite embarrassed as a 22 year old college student. I was already feeling so overwhelmed and out of place that day.

Not long after I started working at my new school I grew to really like and respect J. There was no romantic connection there yet--he was married and I was in a fairly serious relationship with my college sweetheart. By the end of that first semester J was going through a really ugly divorce and custody battle, and my relationship had ended. J and I became pretty good friends over the rest of the school year. Our friendship continued to get stronger over the following school year, but I was in another relationship and he was still going through his divorce. Finally over the summer of 2011--we found ourselves both single. We spent a lot of time together that summer. We went to the movies, we had dinner together a lot. We even went to a comedy club together. I had no idea that he had feelings for me. BUT--I was about to find out.

After school started again in August--it was pretty clear to everyone else that we were a little closer than friends. J and I had a dinner date planned. He came over to my house and we cooked Chicken Cacciatore together. Afterwards, he ended up kissing me. AND scaring the crap out of me. I had no idea he had feelings for me, and I was worried that a relationship would harm our friendship. J was texting me all night telling me how we needed to be together--but I was trying to resist. Then I realized that he was my best friend and we would probably be prefect together.

That Friday I met my future Brother-In Law and Sister-In-Law at a Braves game. That game is the day that we celebrate as our official dating anniversary. Even though--I always claim that we had been together long before that. Every year we go to a game on our anniversary if we can.

By J's birthday on December 14th we were engaged and planning our wedding. In April we all moved in together as a family. I have so many amazing memories from the time that we were engaged. We went on a cruise in June together and had a blast. J took me to see Taylor Swift, and to the circus. He really spoiled me.

Then on November 18th 2012 we said I Do. I remember that I really had to pee as I was waiting to walk down the aisle. Then when I saw him--I didn't have to go anymore. The whole day was a whirlwind. The next day I woke up in Texas and we got on another cruise to Mexico. It was the best time of our lives. We won the newlywed game on the cruise ship, we swam with dolphins, and learned to salsa dance together.

Ahh, memories.

Our first year of marriage brought a lot of challenges and changes. J accepted a new job, and we found out we were having a baby all within the same week. It was an exciting time, but a stressful time.

Now I sit here writing this as our 10 month old is sleeping right above me upstairs. I couldn't imagine anyone having a more loving father than my daughter. J loves that little girl so much. He loves to play with her all day long. She is definitely a daddy's girl. I have mentioned before that J is extremely supportive around the house. He bears most of the housework so that I can take care of P without worrying about much else. I love him endlessly for that.

Happy Anniversary J! I love you more now than I did two and three years ago. You are a great father and an amazing partner in life. Here's to many more happy years.

I love you,
Caroline

Happy Friday--My X-Mas List

Happy Friday everyone! I hope you all have a much more restful weekend planned than I do. Today is my dad's birthday, so I will be seeing him this weekend. Then I  have an early morning makeup job followed by the shower that am throwing for my future sister-in-law on Saturday. Then I am taking P to see her G-Daddy for his birthday Saturday night. Then Sunday we are headed to a baby shower. Whew! That's a lot for one weekend in my opinion.

This X-mas will be extra special because it will be P's first. Since I now have a child--I don't expect many presents for myself. I would rather people spoil her than me. See how evolved I am! Nevertheless, I figured that some of you might be struggling over what to put on your list for this year, so I decided to share with you what is on mine. Most of these things are things that I have been wanting for a long time, but haven't bought because we are saving up for our house and I would rather spend my extra cash on things P needs like diapers and wipes and personalized shirts. Who knows, maybe I will get a thing or two on this list from my family this year.

The Toms Booties are super cute for this fall and I have a friend who has a pair and swears that they are very comfortable. I think that they would be warm and cozy for those cold mornings when I have makeup shoots. I would be comfortable and stylish.

As you know, I have been drooling over the above Michael Kors watch for at least a year or so. I have not bit the $150 bullet that it would require to actually own one, but I think that most women would love it as a gift, so it is firmly on my list.

I love monogrammed anything, so that is why you see the necklace and oversized monogrammed sweatshirt on my list. These are just two of the thousands of endless possibilities that there are. Really I am a southern girl that believes that you can monogram just about anything. I have been wanting one of these cut out necklaces for a long time, but they also tend to be on the pricey side. The sweatshirt is much more affordable and therefore a better option for the gift givers in my family.

Since I am a makeup artist--I am always needing new supplies, and help with that in the form of gift cards means that more of my checks can go to P than restocking materials. Therefore, I always have Sephora gift cards on my list. I also think that most women love these little black cards. Let's face it--makeup is expensive.

The leather leggings are all over pinterest these days. For the last two winters I have been eyeing them and loving how they look with oversized sweaters. Seriously cute. Check out the women's fashion page on Pinterest and I guarantee you will see a pair on the first page.

And then there is a cream J.Crew puffer vest. Oh, how I love thee. I have a pink one that I love and wear all of the time, so I know that this one would get even more use since it is neutral. I know that I am not the only one out there that wants this vest!

I wish you all a very happy weekend, and hope that my list has sparked some new items on your x-mas list!

Happy 10 Months P!

Wahoo! We are in double digits! P is 10 months old! Oh, how weird it feels to say that I have a 10 month old. While reading through some of my favorite blogs this week I read this phrase, and it has really resonated with me.

"When you have children the days seem long, but the years are very short."

This is a very true statement that I think sums up my feelings as my daughter grows older. Yes, in the moment things can be stressful and daunting. I get overwhelmed a lot while home with her. With each new coming age and stage there are a world of challenges that come along. Each one bringing unwanted adjustments to my life. Yet, I manage to make it through. I like to think that I rock at being a mom. I guess I am a little biased, but whatev! So no matter how long each day feels--each month goes by so quickly and I find myself writing these monthly updates with a dumbfounded look on my face, wondering where the time has gone. I know that in two short months I will be writing P's first year update. I am sure the tears will be splattering the keys. I would expect nothing else from this sentimental mommy.

P's tenth month of life has been no exception to the above rule. I have been tested and challenged in this month. I have been pushed to my breaking point more than once. I have shed some tears for sure. BUT--I have also laughed and played a whole lot more than any previous month of her life. P is surely an entertaining little girl. She is little miss sassy pants for sure. I wonder where she gets her little attitude?

In this month P has learned to stand. She pulls up on just about anything that is steady enough. AND--sometimes things that are not so steady as well. She has started to walk around the couch and coffee table while holding on. She can let go with one hand and eat puffs or drink her water. My guess is that we will have a walker before 1. It's just a hunch.

P has also grown her hair long enough to have a very tiny ponytail on top of her head. Too bad she has become annoyed by the big bows I used to decorate her lovely head with. Now she prefers to rip them out and chew on them. Needless to say that we don't bother much with bows anymore.

I am happy to announce that P is doing great in the sleep department. After our 9 month appointment with P's doctor we made some schedule changes that you can read about here. Now we have a baby that sleeps 12 full hours most nights! We are so very thankful for this new stage in P's development. We hope that she never looks back.

We learned that the toys we had for P were a little too baby-ish for her when we observed her playing with older kid toys on play dates. So our new mission is to start upgrading her toy stash. She loves her new shape sorter, ring toss, and v-tech piano. I know Christmas is going to bring her some new fancy toys that are age appropriate.

P has returned to loving her baths. She wants to sit up, crawl around, and even stand in the tub. So we have resulted to actually getting in the bath with her for more protection. She loves to splash J as he makes quack sounds with her rubber duck. She also repeats the quacks. So adorable!

We have started exploring finger foods, but we are still kind of scared. P has a pretty hefty gag relex and I do not like cleaning up vomit. She loves shredded cheddar cheese and this has become a quiet time activity for her. When we go out to restaurants we just dump a big pile on her tray and she will sit quietly and feed herself for 30 minutes or more. It is really cute and quite amazing to watch your baby become more self sufficient.

P had her first major holiday with Halloween. She was an Owl and she tolerated her costume well. Unfortunately, it was unbearably cold for her that day and she couldn't really stay out long. We still got some cute family pics, though.

We are really looking forward to her first Thanksgiving and her first Hanukkah and Christmas. We think that it is really important for her to participate and know about both holidays. I can't help but think that she is so lucky for getting to have presents for both!

Yes, this is quite the exciting time in our little family. I am a tad bit nostalgic for those tiny baby days, and slightly sad that it is going by so fast. I just try to focus on how much fun her little personality is and it gets me through. I can't wait to share with you all her first birthday! It should be a "hoot".

So here's to you my little ball of energy. My rough and tumble, hard headed, strong willed, beautiful baby girl. You bring so much light into my dull days. Your giggles and smiles are contagious. No one can deny how truly beautiful you are becoming. I love that you can't sit still, and I hate it all at the same time. I treasure the times that you want to sit in my lap, and give me sweet wet kisses.

"So whenever you doubt just how special you are, and you wonder who loves you. How much, and how far."

 Know that I love you to the point of insanity, and I always will.

Love,
Mommy

Sick Baby?

Welp, It finally happened. Piper ran her first real fever yesterday. She has run low grade fevers a few times over her 10 months of life, but most the time I barely noticed. She was acting normal and playing, eating, pooping, and peeing.

Yesterday afternoon when I woke her from her 3:00 nap she was very warm to the touch. Her back and stomach felt very hot to me. Her forehead was definitely warm. When I woke her I could tell that she just

wanted to go back to sleep. I brought her down stairs and she seemed disinterested in playing. She kept crawling over to me and climbing in my lap. This is something that she does when she is tired, so I knew something was up. I took her temp and it was 99.4. I thought, no big deal. She is just teething (breaking those top 2 teeth can be a booger). AND...I didn't give her any medicine.

I know-burn me at the stake. I feel horrible now looking back on it. But, hear me out. I feel that people over medicate their kids and I don't like to give her medicine if I can help it. Plus, the last time I gave her medicine she choked very badly and then projectile vomited everywhere. Needless to say I am not 100% comfortable with giving it to her.

So I waited it out. When my husband got home she smiled as he entered, but didn't want to crawl all the way to him like she normally does. I left to go get a shower present, and when I returned my husband told me that she felt really warm to him. She had been whimpering and not really playing like normal. I took her temp again and was surprised that it was 101. uh oh!

Enter the guilty feelings. The horrible, nagging, gut wrenching guilt that I had let my baby suffer in pain and yucky-ness for 3 hours. I felt like the worst mom in the world for letting her feel poorly. I just assumed that it was no big deal because she had run similar little fevers before. They always went away in an hour or so, and she was back to feeling better. This one was getting worse.

So now we are checking her temp around the clock. She is not a huge fan, but I don't want her feeling bad. I hope she is back to being my bubbly happy baby soon. Hopefully, there is not a doctor's visit in our near future.

What do you do when your baby is sick? How do you help them feel better when they are running a fever?