Monday, December 7, 2015

Live in the Moment

As an adult I spend a lot of my time just wishing for the next thing. I welcome each coming day of the week so that I can quickly get to the weekend. Why? Because I so desperately want to sit in my pajamas on my couch and do nothing. I want to vegetate and binge watch my TV shows and just exist. BUT that is not what happens for me anymore. That is not my life now. And that is the both the biggest blessing and somewhat of a curse.

Saturday was a horrible day for me. J was going out with friends, and I was planning on having a great day with P. We were going to play all morning, and then go shopping after her nap in the afternoon. Well--as most plans go--mine went to waste. P was running a fever, she was clingy, irritable, and she wouldn't sleep. I spent the majority of the morning trying to make her happy, and the afternoon letting her snooze in my arms. Here is the truth, ladies. I felt annoyed at her.

I was annoyed that she had ruined my only full day off this weekend. I was annoyed that she didn't give me a break during the day to do what I wanted to do. I was annoyed that she wouldn't sleep in her bed so that I could shower and eat. I was just annoyed. As I sat there rocking her in her dark room in silence with only the whoosh of the fake waves from her sound machine--I let the guilt of that fact wash over me. She was sick. She didn't feel well. She couldn't get comfortable. And guess where she was most comfortable--on me. On her mother. I can't tell you when the last time I held my child while she slept was. So I felt guilty that I didn't feel happy about doing that for her. I should revel in being her safe place, her place of comfort, and her home.

So I studied and counted her light snores, and inhaled deeply the smell of her hair. I rubbed her little fingers, and rocked, and rocked, and rocked. Because I now remembered the last time I had held her while she slept. It was when she was 6 months old. Over a year ago.

On Sunday afternoon when P once again was having a hard time napping through her cold and ear infection. I readily volunteered to go up and lay with her. I brought her into our bed and cuddled her close to me. She went back to sleep and so did I. This time--I was very happy. Sure, I didn't get to catch up on all my shows. And I didn't finish all of our Christmas shopping. But I was there for that little girl of mine. These moments are not wonderful all of the time, but they are all together wonderful. I am lucky to have a little reminder of that each and every day.

Happy Monday, Y'all

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